By Tess Leighton
Contributor
ELIZABETHTOWN, KY — A man was seen catapulting through the air only to land on the ground and wildly bite into a front lawn last week, demolishing a bush of azaleas in the process.
After being reported to police by the lawn’s owner, Robert Travers, the man tested negative for rabies and positive for veganism.
The man’s blood work reported healthy levels of biotin and minerals found exclusively in the ground. Reporters asked him why he had taken a bite out of the yard.
“I needed my K2 vitamin,” the man said.
Locals reflect on the changing state of the political climate and how it has been touching their homes, and their lawns.
The Signal met Travers at a local steakhouse to ask him how he felt about the situation.
Travers said that he was astonished.
“These liberal vegans used to tell us about the ozone layer,” Travers said. “I thought we were supposed to preserve the world, not eat it. If the earth is my home, then I’m losing it to the neighbors, not plastic.”
Travers has decided that from here on out he will not be eating any vegetables in protest to the vegan movement where the vegans can move right out of his yard. He explained emotionally that he feels like his voice is not being heard in this vegan environment.
“It’s all the crunching,” Travers said. “You can’t hear over it.”
Many locals report feeling the same way.
However, according to recent statistical reports provided by government health bureau worker, Hamish Lameish, veganism is on the up and up at a steady rate of 100%.
The offending vegan, Matt Cannon, 33, who was spotted in Travers’ yard, reports having friends who are just like him.
Cannon told The Signal that he is really excited to cover the new territory of veganism in years following, although he does not mean to upset anyone with his habits.
That made The Signal wonder, how often are Kentucky citizens being upset by the habits of vegans? How big a problem has this become?
The Signal set out to find the answer among the citizens of Kentucky.
“I lost my appetite after seeing a vegan shotgun a can of chickpeas,” Matthew Carrigan, 58, said.
“I needed to cry after seeing a pathetic salad someone was callin’ lunch,” Richie Fartsey, 60, said. “It’s been 40 years since I cried, but I was mighty tempted. I near blew a gasket there.”
The Signal further traversed until we came across a woman hurrying home from the supermarket.
“Yesterday I saw they replaced spam with lettuce at the only supermarket in this whole state,” the woman, Candace Cactus, 70, said. “My heart was a palpatatin’.”
Following this grave feedback from citizens of Kentucky, The Signal checked back on Travers this week.
Travers has now taken up an advocacy program for recovering herbivores who are “looking to get into meat again.”
While conveying this, Travers had needed to halt the progress on his steak dinner just to yell so as to be heard over the roar of the steakhouse where he was eating. The interviewer confides being reminded of Travers’ fight to be heard over the crunching of veggie eaters.
Through more yelling, he conveyed his disappointment.
Travers said that he has, “only found people that were already into meat previously” to join his meat advocacy program.
The program is titled, “SeeRedEatRed”.
Travers is determined to spread the message of “SeeRedEatRed,” and has built an Instagram to do so.
He says the account is dedicated to spreading awareness in order to save the vegan generation and also azaleas in lawns around the world, not just his own.
More information and updates on this topic will be made available as the story develops. Meanwhile Whole Foods worker, Kurt Tamale, 24, says he is staying out of it and tells The Signal that he hopes all goes well in Kentucky this week.
