Rachelle Stiletto
Correspondent
Ah, yes. The College. You want condoms? Mosey into the C-Store and purchase those colorful bad boys with your points. You want better mental health support? Here. Pet a dog for a few minutes. That’ll ease your crippling anxiety and depression.
Like any education system that “totally cares about the health and well-being of its students and isn’t just in it for the power and money,” the College ain’t perfect! Just take a look at their top 10 fuck-ups from this past semester.
- There’s a power outage, and you really thought you were going to spend the night smoking up a fat cloud with your friends? Nope! Buckle up, kids, because you’ve got one hour to evacuate the campus.
- You really thought we were going to provide you with the basic human necessity of drinkable water? Time to say “bone apple teeth” and boil that poisoned H2O, because you’re on your own for that one, buddy!
- What’s that? You want lower tuition and cheaper textbooks? Well, that’s too bad, because you’re getting a useless basketball court between Phelps and Haus instead.
- Aw, you were late to class because you couldn’t find parking? That’s cute. You’re still going to get points deducted from your participation grade, though.
- Last year, when we added a $60,000 bronze Roscoe the Lion statue AND a swinging bench, we thought, “How could we possibly top those worthwhile investments?” Two words: #TCNJSaysHi banners.
- #TCNJSayHi levels of algae in the Sylva and Ceva lakes.
- Sure, Forcina is a death trap that should’ve been torn down and rebuilt years ago, but nothing says “top school in New Jersey” quite like ruining thousands of people’s health with asbestos. Forcina is here to stay, baby!
- I mean, yeah, the National Weather Service did issue a severe winter storm warning, but we’re the College — we’re above the law. There are no off days when it’s final szn!
- Fine, fine. We’ll give you half a snow day.
- Ah, shit. It’s not even snowing anymore. Lol, sorry.
Whether you’ve totally lost faith in the College or not, here’s to another memorable semester at the wors- I mean, best college in New Jersey.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event.
