By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
Do you know nothing about Native American headdresses but enjoy wearing them? Is your idea of a good time spending thousands of dollars to go to the middle of the desert? Do you have a friend named Tiffany who is, like, a total bitch but, like, you, like, totally love her? Then Coachella is the place for you.
The infamous music festival known for gathering the most annoying people on the planet and baking them in the sun was held last weekend, and the pretentiousness was in full force. Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner were in attendance together, and when the Biebs tried to get Kendall into a 21+ area, things got out of control. Kendall was obviously denied entry, and the security would not budge, no matter how far Bieber’s peach fuzz moustache stood up. Incredible, honestly. Eventually the Biebs and Kendall left, probably to go ruin another spot on Earth.
Not to be outdone, Kim Kardashian revealed what she eats in a single day. Amazing. Groundbreaking. My ass cheeks clap for her. I was going to tell you all but do you really care? Will it change your life? Go outside.
DING DING DING. That is the sound of one of my favorite shows, Celebrity Deathmatch, announcing its return. Famous in the late ’90s for showing us what our beloved celebs would look like killing each other in Claymation, the show is set to return on MTV2. Will we get to see Kendall Jenner fight a cactus at Coachella? How about Lady Gaga covered in more blood than usual? Maybe we’ll even see Kanye fight himself. Whatever match they think up, I’ll be watching and placing bets like the good American that I am.
