By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
In not-news that should have been not-news years ago, Lady Gaga has joined the cast of “American Horror Story: Hotel,” the next itineration of garbage to grace our television screens.
Gags released a promo video of the upcoming season on her Twitter. In it, the real life American horror story stands in black and white with a garb over her head. She announces the upcoming season by raising her hand in her iconic “monster paw” and rips off her mask revealing, well, her. We all scream and fall down. Honestly, after last season’s “Freakshow,” which on a good day can be described as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, how could anything be worse? Maybe, just maybe, Gags can act.
She did prove to us at the Oscars that she could still sing hella well, even if she considers wearing potato-peeling gloves as fashion. I guess you could say I’m ready to stay at the Lady Motel Hotel Holiday Inn. That is, if I don’t have to consider myself a Little Monster.
In other television news, “Dancing With the Stars” is returning with more questionable people dubbing themselves as “celebrities.” Sometimes, I think throwing “American Horror Story: Freakshow” on DVD into the air would constitute a better star than some of these people. But here are your contestants, I’ll try to explain why they’re famous as I go. Michael Sam (famous for being the first publicly gay NFL star and the reason why ESPN got so into gay sex), Rumer Willis (famous for being the daughter of Demi Moore and possibly having a crush on her ex-stepfather Ashton Kutcher), Suzanne Somers (famous for being on “Three’s Company” and for having a failed talk show on the LIFETIME NETWORK), Patti Labelle (famous for being an iconic singer and for throwing shade every which way), Willow Shields (famous for being in the “Hunger Games” films and for being in countless inappropriate fan-fictions), Charlotte McKinney (famous for being a model and disrespecting herself by eating a Carl’s Jr. burger on a car), Noah Galloway (famous for being a double amputee and serving our country), Riker Lynch (famous for being on “Glee” and for being forgotten for having been on “Glee”), Redfoo (famous for being one half of LMFAO and for ruining your senior prom), Nastia Liukin (famous for being a gold medal winning gymnast at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games and for kicking some serious ass) and Robert Herjavec (famous for being a member of the “Shark Tank” crew and for ruining people’s dreams). Sounds like an all-star cast! Here’s hoping they will not be staying at the Gags Hotel during the competition.
