By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist
New year, same me, which means I have nothing better to do than summarize what Nicki Minaj rubbed on her ass. The answer is oil, and the scene is her latest music video or latest single/human anatomy lesson. Minaj’s video for “Anaconda” is basically a Nat Geo too-graphic documentary. The opening features Minaj in a jungle hut setting with other big booty bitches jiggling their fanny flans. Minaj herself seems to be barely lip-syncing to her own song, probably because the vibrations of her ass have disorientated her. Fast forward five minutes of this happening in a continuous loop and suddenly Minaj is crawling toward Drake, who is sitting on a chair in a dark room. If this is how Texas is performing their executions nowadays, consider me both appalled and turned on.
In news that actually affects human beings, people everywhere are turning out in droves to support amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) research by dumping buckets of ice water on their heads. Even celebrities like Britney Spears are doing it. Honestly, watching her get doused in freezing water was the most I’ve seen her move in years. While the entire fad is for a good cause, I fear people are doing it just for the sheer “popularity” factor of it. Please remember that if you are nominated for this challenge, you still need to donate some sort of monetary contribution. Dumping a bucket of ice water on your head does not cure ALS. Just the same way dumping a bucket of milk on someone who is lactose intolerant does not make them tolerant.
Finally, if you’re still a fan of American Horror Story after having a serious ice bucket accident, then I’ve got news for you. The world’s smallest woman has joined the cast of the TV anthology, this time being set in a 1950s era freak show. Such a move proves the show has lost any desire to be decent television and is simply going after the shock factor. Honestly, I’m still waiting on “American Horror Story: Anaconda.”
