Do you hear that? No, turn off the megahit “Work Bitch” for a second and listen even closer. Yes. It’s the sound of women waxing their legs, plucking their brows and bleaching their, well ... Because, everyone, Zac Efron is single. And he only likes the most bleached of them all. (Vanessa Hudgens, bleach your heart out.) The young heartthrob/your daughter’s wallpaper print recently declared he is single and not dating anybody at the moment. You know that phrase, “plenty of fish in the sea”? Well, fuck the fish. I don’t want a flounder. I don’t even want a hefty albacore. I want a chest of doubloons. And I have reason to believe Efron has plenty of good doubloons.
Speaking of fish, Taylor Swift is making like one hanging out in Chinatown, attracting the worst of attention. The singer/breakup enthusiast recently spoke about her upcoming album. That’s right. We have a lot more to look forward to. She also mentioned how the album will be “different than the last.” What, did you date and break up with a woman now? Tegan and Sara have already cornered the lesbian angst market, back off! Rumors are spreading, though, that the album will be called, “At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.”
And finally, Britney Spears has released the title of her upcoming album slated for a release on Tuesday, Dec. 3: “Britney Jean.” I’ll tell you now, Billie Jean might not be my lover, but BRITNEY Jean certainly is. The iconic pop star also had a bit of “surprising” news. She will be taking a break after the album. Well, Britney has been really busy lately. I think they’re making her wake up before 3 p.m.! It’s a grueling schedule. But I’m proud of what my homegirl has done. An eighth studio album? That’s the kind of change I like to see, SWIFT.
