Dear Kayy,
My boyfriend suggested that we have a threesome, and I'm not totally against it. We've been together a long time and I've even joked about it; I guess because part of me is really curious about what it would be like and one of my friends has joked about it too . I'm not really sure if it would be worth it, though. Let me know your take on it.
M?nage ? Curious
Dear M?nage ? Curious,
Right off the bat it sounds pretty cool, right? You've been with your boyfriend for a while and you're probably pretty satisfied with your sex life but you're curious and your mind starts to wander.
That's perfectly natural. But you have to think - is having a threesome, or m?nage ? trois, really going to make things any better? I've been known to say that there's nothing wrong with a random hookup, if both parties consent and can emotionally handle it - but are you sure you can handle this?
A random hookup with a friend is pretty messy most of the time. Imagine adding your boyfriend to the mix . hello, can you say debacle? Now I'm not telling you what you have to do, but you did ask for my take on it, so I'll give it to you.
First to show that I'm not a total prude or something, I'll tell you the pluses of multiple-partnered sex. It can be pretty hot. The more places on your body that are stimulated at once, the better sex will be. For example, penetration with no other contact or stimulation very rarely can give a woman an orgasm. The more things being touched, kissed or whatever, the better. So the more sets of hands or other things available can certainly enhance your sexual experience.
Also, it gives you a chance to explore your sexuality. If you've been curious yourself, you should ask yourself why that is. Nobody knows the answer to that but you, but I can guess that some part of it might be that you're curious about being with another woman. Maybe you've never experienced that before and you're curious or maybe you have experienced it and you've felt that you're missing out since you paired off with a guy. Either way, you should recognize those feelings and accept them.
You might want to try it out just because you think your boyfriend will really like it. There's nothing wrong with trying to please your partner or make him happy, but don't rush into anything. It's one thing to try something new that you're a bit hesitant about, but it's a totally different thing to compromise your morals and beliefs just because someone is pressuring you.
However, to me, it seems that there's not much pressure going on. Since you've joked about it with your girlfriend and your boyfriend, there's obviously something there that you'd like to explore. That's definitely good and fine, but just because we're curious about something doesn't always mean we should actually do it. Again, I'm not telling you not to try it out, but there are definitely some things you should think about beforehand.
You know I love my pop culture references to relate romantic issues to my readers and this column is no different. First, check out the season premiere of "Entourage." E, played by Kevin Connolly, was convinced by his drunken girlfriend to come over and have a threesome with her close female friend.
Although this may seem like a dream come true to some guys, he was hesitant because he truly loves his girlfriend. Quite predictably (or at least for an HBO drama) his libido won out and he headed over for some fun . and woke up spooning the wrong girl.
He ends up falling in love with his girlfriend's friend, who ends up having to go back to wherever she's from and leave him behind in awkward shambles. E's girlfriend never finds out. This all may seem pretty far-fetched, but it brings up a lot of threesome issues.
One, the girls were drunk. I've said it once, I've said it a million times: drunk sex is bad sex. It seems like a great idea at the time, because your inhibitions are lowered and your brain-mouth coordination is not working quite right. But because you sometimes do things you wouldn't normally do, you've gotta sober up sometime and face the consequences at some point.
Also, when alcohol, drugs or any mind-altering activities come into play, you're always walking on dangerous grounds. The law, at least in New Jersey, states that you cannot consent while under the influence, hence making sexual activity more like sexual assault. More serious issues aside, if you need drugs or alcohol in order to do something, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place, although that hasn't stopped many people from doing just that.
Another issue this show brings up is a common fear that if you have a threesome with your partner and another person, that those two will fall in love and leave you in the dust. As my love, Samantha Jones, points out: the only way to have a threesome is if you're the invited guest.
Also, in "Chasing Amy," when Ben Affleck's character suggests he have a threesome with his girlfriend (Joey Lauren Adams) and best friend (Jason Lee) to resolve any hostilities or awkwardness, Adams' response is that it will only make things worse. What if she looks at Lee differently afterward; what if she moans differently when he touches her?
How could this not create jealousy? People get jealous for no reason all the time, but watching the person you love (or care deeply about) be intimate with someone else can be heartbreaking or paranoia-enhancing. Think of it this way: If E from "Entourage" had hooked up with his girlfriend's friend behind her back and fallen in love with her only to be left behind, that would most definitely be cheating. The fact that he never told her the truth only makes it worse.
To be perfectly honest, I think a threesome sounds pretty awesome if you're the right person for it. My boyfriend told me the other day how one of our favorite couples had a threesome one of the first times they hooked up and now they're practically married years later.
For a second I thought, maybe you could have a threesome and still have a functioning, perfect relationship - but then I realized they experienced this long before they were committed. They were still at the stage of exploring each other and their attraction, not picking out wallpaper for the baby's room.
The point is, I don't think I could emotionally handle seeing my boyfriend be sexual with another person - man or woman. Even if it helped him (or me) live out some sort of lesbian fantasy, I wouldn't want to complicate and endanger my relationship for one night of fun. We'd wake up, the fantasy would be over and we'd have a lot to worry or talk about.
I'm sorry if I'm being a downer. I'm sure there are plenty of people who are way more mature than I am and could handle sharing the person they love. I'm not saying it's wrong, indecent or immoral, but it certainly might be damaging to your relationship. So just think it through before you call up your girlfriend to join the party.
Ciao,
Kayy
