Dear Kayy,
I'm a senior here (okay, super-senior) and I've always been known as the player type. People joke that I can't hook up with a girl more than three times, but it's not too far from the truth. I've met cute girls, nice girls, cool girls and whatever but just never felt the desire to get serious. I mean, I know I've probably hurt a few girls' feelings, especially earlier in college before I became the notorious player, but it's gotten easier since girls kind of expect it. A lot of the girls I've hooked up with in the past few years have just peaced after one or two hookups, didn't ask for my number and pretty much acted like it never happened. All my guy friends think I'm so lucky that I'm constantly getting action with no strings attached, but toward the end of last year I really started getting sick of it. Especially when I met this one girl this fall, who is really amazing. I want to date her but she refuses to take me seriously, probably because we have mutual friends and they tell her I just want to hook up with her and move on. I like her a lot, and want to start things with her especially since I'll be graduating in May and have yet to have a serious relationship.
Thanks,
I don't wanna be a player no more
Dear I don't wanna be a player no more,
I'm sure a lot of my female readers would like me to have a three word response: "Karma's a bitch," but that's not nice and everybody deserves a chance at love!
You're dealing with something a lot of people go through in college. When people enter freshman year, a lot of them go crazy. You have co-ed dorms and parties, no parents and more access to alcohol. I remember freshman year my Community Advisor was constantly consoling us when boys would pull the "wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" bullshit. A senior herself, she assured us that this is just a phase. "Usually by second semester freshman year everyone's coupled up and wants to calm down," she said.
Well she was right, except for the fact that I've found it's not until at least junior year when the players and playettes want to get serious. Throughout junior year I sat back and laughed as even the most notorious studs settled down (and by studs I mean both men and women). In fact, it wasn't until junior year when I finally traded in my dirty stay-outs for cuddly "Love Actually" rental stay-ins.
Sometimes, the transition isn't that easy, even if you don't have as big of a "promiscuous" reputation as you claim to have (God, I hate that word). To tell you the truth, it's pretty damn hard trusting people enough to get emotionally intimate in college. You'll trust someone enough to make out with them but not enough to actually talk to them about your feelings. Sad, but true.
What it comes down to - and this is for men and women alike - the whole "hookup culture" has made serious relationships a bit harder. And I don't think there's anything wrong with a hookup - I'm just stating the facts. There used to be two categories: single and committed. But now, which I'm finding while I compile my book, there is a whole other area: somewhere-in-between.
Because now there's the option of getting physical without having a title (like I said, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing), it complicates feelings and intentions. Now that we have that option, which I believe is totally encouraged by the hypersexual media that is thrown at us, we have to sit and wonder if we even want to commit at all. And because we don't know what the other person's thinking, it's hard to make the leap and confess how you feel for fear of rejection.
What makes it especially hard is all the creeps and sneaks out there - men and women alike. We all play games. We may play up certain things about ourselves and others in order to make them think a certain way of us (i.e., act committal or sweet just to make someone want to have sex with us). The whole hookup thing blurs lines between friends, lovers, flings, dates and relationships. When a "friend" is cozying up to you as a "friend" and says how glad he or she is that you're "friends," and then half an hour later has his or her arm around you pulling some "what would you say if I told you I wanted to kiss you right now" cheesy Brat Pack bullshit, we're left confused, and our ability to trust people is weakened.
So -- how do you build trust? How do you convince this girl that you're done fooling around and want to get serious? Here's Kayy's "How to Win a Girl in 10 Days." And this is no Kate Hudson rip-off: 10 days just happens to be how long it took for my boyfriend to snag me.
1) First off . make sure she likes you too. I don't mean head-over-heels, but at least some interest. And make sure she wants a relationship too - if she genuinely just wants a hookup you probably won't get too far, and a quick heated hookup might ruin the chances of anything bigger in the future.
2) Get to know her. And not from MySpace or her friends. Actually talk to her, whether it's on AIM or in person. Find out what she likes, what her hobbies are and who she is.
3) Just be yourself. I've always thought that "10 Things I Hate About You" approach - snooping through a girl's stuff to impress her - was creepy and she probably will too (unless you look like Heath Ledger in hot pants, of course). If all of a sudden you list all of her favorite bands, in the order she has them listed on facebook.com, she'll be suspicious.
Also, if you pretend to be really into something, and then you actually get together, you'll have to keep that charade going or look like a jerkoff. Do you really want to end up at the Project Runway season finale party at her sorority house?
4) Actions speak louder than words. Saying all cutesy stuff to her won't get you far if you don't see it through. If you say you like her, act like it. If you say you're going to be somewhere or do something, actually do it. And all that really cutesy stuff sometimes can be a turnoff for girls - you shouldn't be saying you love her when you barely know her, which might make her think you're just trying to smoothly operate into her bedroom.
5) The simple things mean a lot. I remember when I first met my boyfriend, he didn't say a whole lot about my beautiful eyes or my good heart in the first few days (that came about a week into the relationship).
But he did put his arm around me in front of my friends he just met, and he did make sure I was comfortable wherever we went by introducing me to people, explaining things to me and asking if I was having fun. That showed a lot to me about his character.
6) This one's a little obvious, but don't rush things physically or romantically. I know you'll be graduating soon and you're probably in that "Oh my God, I'm single and graduating and starting to bald" mentality I've seen a lot of guys get, but cool your shorts. If she's worth it, and you two really hit it off, it won't matter where you're going in May - you'll figure it out when it comes time. Take it slow, cowboy.
7) Avoid one-on-one dates at first. You can get to know someone just as well in a group setting, or maybe even better. Showing her off to your friends and introducing her to them will definitely let her know you're proud to be with her, not just a "Dirty Little Secret" on the side. Act the same in front of your friends as you do alone, which can be hard but get over it! That will probably really impress her.
8) Be available. Like I said before, if you say you'll do something, do it. And if you go out without her, don't keep silencing her phone calls or ignoring her text messages. Even if you're just doing it cause it's loud where you are and plan on calling her back, that'll send one message to her: whatever you're doing is more important than her.
9) Chivalry is not dead. I don't mean love sonnets and pulling out chairs - yuck. But both men and women should respect each other, show they care and be considerate.
Buying her a limited edition CD of her favorite band is a whole lot more thoughtful than dropping $30 on a dozen roses that are just going to get dusty and shrivel up. There's nothing wrong with flowers, but I've taken a stance against them for years just because it forces my date to have to get a little more creative.
If it doesn't work out, don't sweat it. Just cause you're graduating doesn't mean you won't meet any great girls out in the real world. The College is a limited population, especially by the time you're a senior. Everyone has a reputation and a past, and sometimes that's hard to live down. Don't think just because you're older you need to be in a relationship - just let it come naturally.
Be affectionate, be honest and be yourself. And if that's not good enough for this girl, she's not worth your time.
Good luck!
Kayy
