Dear Kayy,
My sex life is more boring than an hour-long lecture on laundry detergent. I love my boyfriend, but our sex has never been much better than good. We've never had that off the charts, mind-blowing sex I hear about. We lost our virginities together, so it's not like I'm saying anyone's better than him, but I'm sure there must be something we can do to spice it up. I know that sounds lame because we're young and sex should be exciting, but we have been together for five years. Our relationship is great in every other area, which has kept us together for so long and will for a long time after I write this embarrassing plea. And like I said, our sex has never been bad, really short, orgasm-less or unaffectionate - just vanilla. I'd like to at least try the strawberry variety. Or maybe even coconut. Please help!!!
Wanted: Hot Sex Now
Dear Wanted: Hot Sex Now,
Props for asking for advice on this and I appreciate your humor. I'm really glad to hear a question like this coming for a woman, because we want excitement and variation just as much as men do.
My point is that sometimes sex is just sex to women too. It's not only men who want to spice things up, try new positions, play games or have threesomes, just like it's not only women who like to spoon and talk cutesy. I just wanted my female readers to keep in mind that they shouldn't hesitate to address this issue with male partners, just as I encourage men to be affectionate in the bedroom. We could all use a little more communication and a little more good sex.
Henry David Thoreau once said "most (people) live lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." Don't let that song go unsung! There's no need to be stuck with a boring sex life when there are so many interesting things you can do. Sex is not just about pleasure, but intimacy and fun as well. I'm totally psyched to give you some suggestions, so I'll put some cautions and reminders in the beginning so I can get to the good stuff:
Not all sex has to be "mind-blowing" as you put it. Dr. Kate, author of "Relationships for Dummies," explains that there are three types of sex: "great sex, good sex and maintenance sex." However, I'm going to focus on the first type.
A great frustration I've heard from men time after time is that they just can't get their female partner to orgasm, even though she probably does a great job of it herself. That's because she knows her body so well, something you will get to know better each time you sleep together and each time you ask, "How does that feel?" Just keep in mind that comforting your partner and asking her or him if what you're doing is okay is not like asking them to sign a permission slip. It can be sexy, stimulating and even a little kinky.
Another important thing to keep in mind is that good sex alone won't keep two people together. Your relationship seems to be emotionally healthy aside from the lack of heat in the sheets, which is great. However, if you're having trouble with your partner in other rooms of the house, having steamy sex definitely won't fix that. Sure, it'll make you a bit more pleased physically with your partner, but it won't help or save a relationship. Healthy and fun sex is a crucial part of a relationship (unless you're abstinent), but it's not the clinching point. Without affection, open communication, understanding and honesty, even award-winning, bed-breaking, neighbor-complaining sex does not make a happy relationship.
The more sex you have, the more you will want. The less you have, the more out of touch you will become with your partner and your body. Try a few of these suggestions, or all of them, but start off slow. If you've been in this relationship for five years and never showed any signs of wanting to try something new, make sure you talk about it and don't scare your boyfriend. Even if some make you giggle or raise an eyebrow, it's worth trying out if your boyfriend wants in.
1) Talk dirty to me: Keep in mind everything I said above about how hot it can be to talk about what you're doing. Talk about what you want to do, describe exactly what you're doing and describe how your partner is making you feel. Tell them what's good and don't shy away from telling them if you don't like it. Avoid degrading terms, but compliment your partner's body, in detail. Ask them how they feel and what they want you to do, and practice your sexy voice in the shower (unless you're in a communal shower in T/W - trust me on that one!)
2) Digital, Digital Get-down: N'Sync allusions aside, consider all of the technological advances out there that can enhance your sexual experiences. Phone sex is for your grandparents (eek, sorry for that image). Cybersex is fun if you're in an appropriate environment, but I prefer text-sex. Sure, your wireless bill will increase exponentially, but so will the temperature of your relationship. Saying what you want to do when you see your partner, getting them excited or telling them what you're wearing is seriously underrated. Don't forget that lots of cell phones can send pictures and videos now, too.
3) Lotions, oils and lube - oh my!: Thousands of products are out there specifically to make sex taste, smell and feel incredible. I prefer anything that Passion Parties sells - pick a light scent and taste you know you and your partner enjoy (by the way, attend or throw sex toy parties as often as possible; they're so much more exciting than Tupperware parties). There are so many types out there that get hot when you blow on them, make your skin tingle and have great tastes. There are even products you can apply to the nipples or vagina that will have you aroused in seconds flat.
4) Batteries not included: I wonder what this section's about? That's right. Vibrators. The Rabbit. Dildos. Battery operated boyfriends. Your best friend . whatever you want to call them, all you have to do is pop in some double A's and you're off to O-town. There are tons of different kinds to meet your needs. They're not just boring pieces of plastic, but come in thousands of different shapes, sizes, colors and materials. There are lipstick-sized ones you can carry in your purse, waterproof ones safe for the tub or shower or ones with suction cups to stick on a flat surface. So you're wondering, where does your boyfriend come in? Use one during mutual masturbation or as an extra stimulator during intercourse. And not to mention the genius invention of the bullet-sized vibrators that are inserted into a gelly ring that is placed around a man's penis, so you get both sensations at the same time without uncomfortable confusion.
5) We'll leave the light on for ya': Leaving the lights on so you can see better can make your sex more intimate. Being able to see the expression on their faces when you're making them feel good is a huge turn-on, and makes you feel incredibly closer. I've heard people say that you know you're truly in love when you can have sex in fluorescent lighting with no blankets, while looking in the mirror with your holiday weight and without your summer tan. In all seriousness though, sex at night or in the dark is overrated. If bright lights sketch you out too much, try halogen lights that you can adjust, throw a scarf over the lamp to soften the light, or light some clich? but fabulously scented candles.
Like Kayy's tips? Try these out and stay tuned next week for more suggestions for spicing up your sex life from our resident sexpert.
