Dear Kayy,
My problem is a pretty simple one, but trying to fix it has been much more complicated. I have this good guy friend with whom I've always been close and had some feelings for. Unfortunately (for both of us), it took him getting a long-term girlfriend and seeing me with other guys to make him realize how much he wanted me. He won't stop calling me or trying to hang out with me, even though I know his girlfriend and she trusts that we're close but not hooking up. I can't push him away and ruin our friendship, and it's hard to deny my feelings as they get stronger. I know he's cheated before, but I definitely don't want to get involved. Any advice?
Thanks,
Timing Sucks
Dear Timing Sucks (and all women),
Okay, so girls definitely lie . but to be honest, none of my female college friends have cheated in a serious relationship. So is there a reason why almost every guy I've met throughout the past few years has cheated on his girlfriend? Said they were in love and then called over an ex? Made out with a girl they've always had their eye on the day after their one-year anniversary?
I'd like to take this opportunity to playa hate for a moment. There are several types of cheaters I've come across in my day. If you're one of them, wise up, jackass! I'm calling you out!
The Compulsive Cheater
Either his girlfriend goes to a different school, lives in a different dorm building or is just that stupid - he does it because he can get away with it. He gets more excitement out of doing something wrong than the actual physical pleasure. I mean, he can get that from his girlfriend, who is usually attractive and loyal. So why cheat? Same reason a dog licks its balls - because he can!
The Manipulator
"We were on a break!" - the famous line from a "Friends" episode, in which Ross hooks up with someone while Rachel still thinks they're together. I see it all the time. "We're not exclusive," "we're fighting," "I'm gonna break up with her real soon, I swear," etc., are all examples of what the manipulator might say to justify his cheating. And I'm not saying this is an evil guy who lies to girls. Half the time he's manipulating himself! If he keeps telling himself it's not wrong, he'll begin to believe it, and he'll be able to convince any girl that it's true.
The Accidental Adulterer
Sigh. I actually find this to be a rarity, but when it happens, it sure is a shame, and it usually involves lots of keg stands and a girl in a toga. You didn't MEAN to kiss her; you didn't MEAN to grab her ass in the hallway. Now, I honestly believe that this can occur. But what people do or say drunk, they would probably do if they were sober and knew there would be no consequences. So how much can you really trust them? This excuse only goes so far, and The Manipulator is really good at disguising himself as an Accidental Adulterer. You may have accidentally pecked her on the lips when you were trying to yell in her ear over blaring music, but the "I-was-dragged-into-my-bed-by-an-angry-mob-and-I-kinda-just-fell-into-her" excuse just won't cut it, buster.
The Minimalist
Not to be confused with The Manipulator, this guy was probably taught from an early age that little white lies are okay if it means sparing someone's feelings. Ha! Quite simply put, if he told you he made out with a stranger during spin the bottle, it was probably more like 17-hot'n'heavy-minutes-in-heaven with his ex in the hall closet. His story begins to change and worsen as he finds it harder and harder to ignore his shame. You can usually spot this guy because he's quick to explain himself, overly apologetic and disappears right after the explanation so you can't ask questions and the guilt doesn't get to him.
And there are plenty more variations and combinations. I can go on forever. But to answer Timing Sucks' dilemma - be straight with him first and foremost. Let him know you are NOT willing to let him cheat on his girl with you, and to leave you alone until he's single (even though I wouldn't give him a chance then either).
Yeah, your friendship might suffer, but it sounds to me like this "friendship" is based on physical attraction, jealousy and head games. If you somehow missed the red flags and blinking yellow lights, this situation has disaster written all over it. There are plenty of fish in the sea m'lady - throw this one back! If he's willing to cheat on this girlfriend just like that, how can you expect him to be faithful to you?
Hope I helped!
Love,
Kayy
DISCLAIMER: I am by no means claiming that ALL men are cheaters, or that ALL cheaters are men. According to the Associated Press and infidelitycheck.org, 37 percent of married men and 22 percent of married women admitted to having sexual relations outside of marriage, while young men and women are more likely and EQUALLY likely to cheat. Sorry for the male-directed advice, but I had to help my sister Timing Sucks out.
**Keep those letters coming! Send your latest love quandaries to: Askkayy@hotmail.com!
